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Simon says shut up, or, America idles for a Lynching



Ok..I watched the last twenty minutes or so of American Idol auditions tonight. I've thought about this for a while and I'm now totally convinced that not only is Simon most of the contestants true friend, I'm wishing I had a life-Simon to be honest with me when I've said and done some of the most absolute dumb-ass things imaginable.

I wouldn't have sat next to Lisa Ball on the bus ride home from church camp oblivious to the fact that she would prefer sitting next to a syphilitic dwarf with bad intent. I wouldn't have come up with THIS sparkling conversational jewel while double dating with my best friend - 'hey, look, there's a green mailbox!' I actually said that after a 15 minute uncomfortable silence on the way to our first (and last date). Not surprisingly, the silence picked right back up after my Noel Coward moment.

I wouldn't have eaten that bleu cheese burger in Cincinnati after the first bite screamed 'BAD CHEESE'. I wouldn't have picked the one gas station in Ohio without a ventilated bathroom to curl up and die in after eating the bad cheeseburger. I wouldn't have told the menstruation joke when someone's mom visited our communal meal up in Brooklyn....there's a lot more, but I can beat myself up so much. Where's my life coach, my Simon to tell me..get off the stage...SHUT THE *)*) UP!

Secondly, if you watched the previews for the auditions next week in the Seattle episode you may have noticed that apparently every extra from Twin Peaks is re-emerging to make their mark on American and the Idol world. Maybe they should have just stopped with the Maker's Mark and skipped the audition.

Who in God's name is telling all these people they can sing? Is 3 minutes of public humiliation really worth it just to get on, Gasp..TeeVee?

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About me

  • I'm John H
  • From Salemtown, Tennessee, United States
  • Cruising past 50, my wife and I have reared three kids and several dogs. I work for state government and daily conspire to deflate bureacracy.
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