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Oh yeah, we might have an oopsie with this giant needle and you could almost die - sign here..

Doctors always pick a great time for you to sign these amazing waivers about what might happen during the procedure that is JUST ABOUT TO HAPPEN. Seriously, the other day, they were just ready to inject the joy juice in the IV to knock me out for an endoscopy (I have these stomach issues), and they handed me a clipboard clamping a piece of paper for me to sign that basically said:

We might really ew-scray up here and you could actually die but hey, these things happen. The camera snaking into your stomach might just explode or the cable might short out or a bowling ball might be dropped on your head a la a 3 Stooges episode or we might put on funny hats and make fun of you while you're knocked out, etc etc.

And, of course I signed it because that shit happens to other people, and of course, this time it happened to me. My endoscopy came out just fine, but they performed a routine biopsy with this giant knitting needle apparently and managed to burst this little old blood vessel. I went home all wooozed out from the anesthesia not knowing I was internally bleeding faster than most of the new shows on NBC.

The next day (tuesday) I was really feeling even woozier and I'm thinking that I had the really A-1 extra good anesthesia and it was still doing its thing, but by that night I was sweating like a congressman holding 3 months of emails about another congressman's proclivity for teenage canoodling and not knowing exactly who to tell. By late that night I became dizzy and literally the embodiment of the 'i've fallen and i can't get up' commercial. Sadly, I didn't have a Med-Alert button to push. I only had my severely weakened lung capacity to attempt to wake up my wife who was sound asleep upstairs. Luckily my last gasp broached the arms of Morpheus and she managed to call an ambulance. The ride to Baptist was bumpy coinciding with all the needle marks in my arm where they tried to set me up with an IV.

I got to spend a couple of days in intensive care where they pumped me with new blood and periodically drew out the very blood they had generously 'donated' me just hours earlier. I got to have yet ANOTHER endoscopy and they once again pronounced that everything was just peachy fine. I was fed five meals consisting of colored water in various states of solidity. I had to ring a nurse for help when I needed to go to the bathroom because I was more wired up than John Belushi on his final trip to the dirt farm. Good times...

I've been home for 24 hours or so and napped most of that time..I missed a work trip to Memphis and sadly for me, a chance to meet Lindsey of Theo-Geo fame. It's been such a fun week off of work..I wouldn't recommend this vacation method to just anyone.

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About me

  • I'm John H
  • From Salemtown, Tennessee, United States
  • Cruising past 50, my wife and I have reared three kids and several dogs. I work for state government and daily conspire to deflate bureacracy.
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