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My candidacy for the Metro School Board

Dear Voters:
I'm for sale. I'm open to secret shenanigans, secret meetings, clandestine coffee klatches, and smoked-filled backrooms as long as I can get a cigar. I'm against gay marriage in our elementary schools and I promise not to attend any open forums where hecklers might belittle the fact that I think the jury is still out on whether the earth really revolves around the sun, as opposed to theo-centric center-of-the-universe placement that God proposed some 4,000 odd years ago.

I propose cutting the school budget by 25% and giving vouchers worth up to $1,000 to the lowest performing students so that they can attend some of our finest private schools which will welcome them with open arms, I am sure, along with funding property tax breaks for people who utilize any part of their homes for 'home-schooling'.

I'm against new math and earnestly believe that global warming can cut down on the heating costs besetting our schools. I believe that no language other than english should be uttered in the classroom and in the halls of our schools. To paraphrase the words of a former governor of Texas, 'if English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for the schoolchildren of Tennessee!'.

I believe that Old Testament justice should resound in our schools including the stoning of any students caught smoking marijuana or huffing.

Please consider ME for your Metro School Board. I'm available for secret meetings throughout the summer.

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About me

  • I'm John H
  • From Salemtown, Tennessee, United States
  • Cruising past 50, my wife and I have reared three kids and several dogs. I work for state government and daily conspire to deflate bureacracy.
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